& IT'S A GAME WE ALL PLAY

I have a specific friend in mind, but I suppose it doesn't matter, I'll give it to all my friends. Give what? The ability to appreciate all that they have in their life, because truth be told, this ability is indeed rare and unnatural, and something so important that it's able to save a life, metaphorically or literally.

it's sad, but it's so common.

it reminds me of what i was talking to my sis about when she was still back here. we embarked on the topic of what are friends? how exactly do you define a friend? what is the difference between a companion, an aquaintance and a friend? are the differences teetering on a thin line; or are they very stark differences?

it makes me wonder: are the people i call my friends, friends? or are they simply just people i talk to, people i laugh with, people i enjoy spending time with just to keep me company as we all trek on our individual pathways. if everybody's life is different, how is it possible that anyone can accompany you forever?

i guess i've been thinking about this for quite a long time already. maybe it's because i have seen friendships crumble and dissolve into thin air, especially since the end of school - the end of a common ground for us to interact, the end of a 'forced' environment for us to socialize with one another - that i'm slowly beginning to understand how hard it is to maintain a friendship.

and i do realise that i have gradually released certain friendships. why? i don't know. maybe it's because i can't stand you already; maybe it's because i don't see the benefits of such a friendship anymore; maybe it's because it's simply too tiring to continually try and strike a conversation with you when you don't really seem to care as much anymore.

is that bad? does that make me a mean person? do i make friendships because they've something i want - like their companionship or their optimism aura or their wisdom or their contagious happiness etc?

then there are some friendships where i will do whatever it takes to keep it. i am unwilling to let go of these friendships because they mean so much to me. or sometimes it's because i see something in you that i want to have for the rest of my life, or at least for a few more years. it brings me back to whether that is considered being something horrid - that i befriend people because of i want something from them. and so i try to keep our friendship strong, or at least keep it <i>there</i>, even though we may not have ever been very close or anything.

i don't know how to describe this to you the reader, but i feel so low and so selfish with the way i think. are my thoughts normal? are they logical? are they what everyone have in their minds too but just that they don't show it or talk about it?

maybe everything started with me, that's why things are happening.


i guess this is why i treat puhwai as one my best friends. not because he thinks exactly like me or what - in fact haha he's pretty much different from me. our most obvious common point is that we are freaking retarded and silly, but that's why i love him so! haha - but because he is one of my oldest friend, a true friend; one who i am comfortable of telling anything - be it family, love, religion (despite our different views of religion) - and one who despite conflicts here and then (HAHA) make up with me everytime and pretty soon we're just laughing like retards again. maybe the number of years i've known him is not exactly the only reason why he's one of my closest friends afterall.

my head is a mess, thoughts are floating everywhere and im unable to pin them down to fully analyze them. that's how my mind works i realise. my fav uncle said it's a characteristic of our generation. we always want change, always want something new that our mind works the same way too, we can never stop and consider a thought long enough until we're fully done with it. but then again, how do you know when you're fully done with a thought?

anyway, the conclusion is (can you even call this a conclusion? i mean, it's a point raised, but there's no full analysis of it. in fact i think halfway through i've switched views of it already. ty-pi-cal.) that i'm still pondering over some friendships, im still trying hard to keep some friends, and i'm acting like a total jerk with some friends for not caring for them much - it's just that sometimes the title of 'friend' makes me feel obliged to do something, but i don't want to do something that's not sincere, because that'll be uh, insincere..

i miss a few people now, but i wonder if they regard me as a friend (not even a good friend, just simply a friend - and by friend i don't mean aquaintance; at least a companion for this period of time will do) at all.

thank God that i've talked to chingaling puhwai yesterday (HAHA i forgot to reply him! no wonder our convo ended LOL i was wondering 'why did he stop replying! it's not like he has a gf now to spend his last few minutes with! TSKK) (okay too much information maybe ahhah) and my other best friend yiyi just now (:

if i can't keep all the friends i want to, at least let me keep these 2 who mean the world to me.
(there are more, but i don't want to list them down for fear that they might feel pressurised to treat me like how i think of them. that'll be embarrassing and depressing)

friends are so easy to make,
but so hard to keep.

they're like
snowmen melting away
requiring constant sculpting to make them keep their shape

bad analogy but,
too bad! im not a literary genius,
sadly. heh

i feel, very very blessed.

i may not have everything i want, but i have everything i need.

everything is, sufficient. thank God (:

-----------------------------------------------

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

/Teddy Roosevelt


somehow, i have faith that she's coping well too (: i wish i could catch up with them again hahah, i miss them all quite a bit ><

erghhh confusedddd! D:

it all comes down to tmr. i want a gold. i really do.
i want to see happy faces on the band, because i love each and everyone of them so. yes im being mushy but i mean it! well okay not EVERYONE but generally :D these pracs have been so enjoyable thanks to my beloved section and my batch and yes the jnrs haha - hohum isn't that everyone! O: hahah SEE WHAT I MEAN! band is just so! AWWW <3

even if we don't get that gold tmr, i guess i'll live with it. i'll tell myself not to cry, because i've heard how well we're able to play. so what if we screw up tmr, it doesn't matter. because i know how good we are, and i believe we all do :D it may not be a top band or gwh standard, but hey, i enjoy it, i love it, that's more than enough :D

thanks to my lovely batchmates who've seen me cry or heard me cry these few weeks ((: im fine now, and my worries are gone and im really beginning to truly immerse myself in the music. back in NYCB, i admit that despite trying to tell myself and everyone else to immerse ourselves in the music and let our emotions flow, a single mispitch would bring me down down down down down. but now! :D this week i've been :D :D :D because i know i can do it, and the music is so enjoyable it's really hard to feel down :D talking to edwin now and how both of us feel like crying after listening to our RP recording. perhaps it's not as good as other bands, but i think it's spectacular already.

ernest:
"hey jiaying failure is not realising how close u were to success when u gave up. Don't lose focus and play your best till e closing note of hymn! There's no i in team but there's i in win. Focus on your individual part and listening to your teammates on stage. You are not alone. "

indeed, im definitely not alone. because through this SYF period, i've really felt band striving hard TOGETHER :D
no matter what we get tmr, i'll be fine with it, because i'm satisfied with what we've achieved so far.

i really do have the urge to hug everyone now HAHAHAHHAHA

well it's a new year,
i must say that 2008 didn't pass by really quickly, but it didn't pass by slowly and painstakingly
it was just right, the pace;
each day filled with great experiences, be it good or bad

shall blog more when i finish the last 2 articles in GP! :D
but onward 2009!

'The thing about believing is that it's dangerous. The world can turn upside down in an instant, and just when you think you're on top of everything, you're under it. Believing in something, someone, is hard. Sometimes when you let yourself fall too far, suddenly it's gone.'
Dream Factory, Brad Barkley and Heather Hepler

oh pffthhh econs and chem.
especially chem.

im suddenly reminded of clement's chant,
but i can't remember what it was about - - hahaha

(oh i just recalled it HAHA)

yesyes, optimistic is the key!
S: S: S:

CHEM.
 hahahahah

[

ŁMĊ] 'kuria- songs of ultimate despair, says:

dang

chai jiaying says:

dang?

[

ŁMĊ] 'kuria- songs of ultimate despair, says:

ding

chai jiaying says:

dong!

chai jiaying says:

dang ding dong deng dung oO

chai jiaying says:

it ends terribly

[

ŁMĊ] 'kuria- songs of ultimate despair, says:

yah it ends with u

[

ŁMĊ] 'kuria- songs of ultimate despair, says:

OHMY GET THE PUN

[

ŁMĊ] 'kuria- songs of ultimate despair, says:

I ROCK

[

ŁMĊ] 'kuria- songs of ultimate despair, says:

SRSLY

chai jiaying says:

WAHLAO

chai jiaying says:

HAHAHAHA

chai jiaying says:

SHUT UP!

wah seriously clement sucks! >( HAHAHAHHA